I had a panic attack, or at least a semblance of one, this
past week. If you have never had or heard of a panic attack, here are a few
insights into what it’s like: It feels
like you are going to die.
You don’t know how or why, but you are pretty sure you are,
in fact, dying. Your heart races, and you have tears coming out of your tear
ducts when you are only trying to get words to come out of your mouth. You
don’t know who to call or where to go exactly. You are incapable of making any decisions,
even the physical ones you have come to rely on like eating until you are full
or, more importantly, going to sleep when necessary. It feels like you drank fourteen
“suicides” and a gallon of high-energy drinks. A “suicide,” for the record, is
that magical concoction from when you were a kid and you mixed all the soda
fountain options into one glorious drink. A little cola, orange, sparkly,
cherry, diet, sugar death sip. It is also known as the “kamikaze.” It feels
like you are high on suicide/kamikaze blends with a little speed, and you are
just told you have a pop quiz in math. You haven’t done the math homework in
weeks and you know, for sure, math is one of those subjects that really is made up of building blocks. You
cannot “guess” the answer, no “true or false” to ease the pain. In this math
quiz, you have to “show your work.” Panic attacks are, of course, more likely
to be brought on by much more serious events than taking a surprise math quiz
high on soda pop, but it’s that instant of panic drawn out over a period of
time that seems to never end.
I know what you are thinking or at least what I might be
thinking about someone who mentions having a panic attack: “Why would you be having a panic attack? Why all
the anxiety? Did someone die? Are you going to die…like now? Like tomorrow? ISIS?
Were you unjustly accused?” And of course, “Did you pray about it?”
You have clothes and shelter and some family and your physical
health. Your car insurance got paid on time along with your health insurance
and a car that runs with or without said insurance. Or your bus is usually on
time. You have your eyesight and/or hearing and a few pieces of jewelry your grandmother
left you when she passed away. You make really good guacamole that everyone
wants at their parties and your boss is an okay guy and you are planning a
vacation, just a little drive up north, but a vacation nonetheless. You have
medication for your diabetes and a gym membership. You have a big screen TV and
a library card. You have High Speed Internet and a crush—or maybe you married
that crush. You have some education, right? Or some talent? Or at least one to five
of the aforementioned reasons to not have a panic attack? So what is the
problem? What are you so worried about? Seems like everything is fine.
It’s funny because anxiety doesn’t always work that way. At
least in my experience, it has never worked that way. The uncertainty or
incessant worry that causes anxiety that leads to a panic attack or that leads
to those darkest hours is a culmination of more than one event and/or untruth
in which I have invested consciously or subconsciously. It is not always the
obvious stressor like job loss, but rather it is the idea that the job is a
reflection of your worth. Some kind of lie. What are you worth? Where does it
come from? It is not always the lack of the basics like food and shelter, or one
act of trauma like the loss of a loved one—but, rather, it might be the cost financially
and emotionally that is involved which causes worry. Life’s events and the lies
assigned to or the credence given to these events, subconsciously or consciously,
becomes nearly all-consuming and that is a panic attack.
To be clear, I am in no way arguing that anxiety cannot be
caused by a lack of life’s basic necessities or a traumatic event, but rather that
those rules do not always apply. Anxiety has innumerable sources and
unquantifiable power. For me, it’s a culmination of events and an unhealthy
perspective based on lies I have chosen to believe. Specifically, what led to
the panic attack this week was a flood of what one might consider “a series of
unfortunate events” in the middle of what was already a very dark period of lie-harvesting.
My mom had a stroke, my husband was in a car accident, the
patriarch of my family died, a baby passed away on my birthday, my cousin was
gravely ill and was malnourished laying in the hospital just waiting for
something to change, members in my family are struggling, friends are crying
themselves to sleep at night worrying about their adult children, money is
disappearing to doctors, rats chewed up my car engine and washing machine wires,
and I had not completed one of my new
year’s resolutions made for 2014—and here it is 2015 and I was feeling like a
real dope. These were just a few things that have taken place in the last few
months that I am willing to share in a public forum.
I believe in a loving and gracious God who has made it clear
that I am not to worry. And I didn’t call Him. Really, I should have just
called God. Every day I should have called God. I should
have referenced my Heavenly Father and quoted verses to quiet the fears and the
lies and the worry. My lips and tongue should have been dry from continuous
prayer. It should have been new every morning, because it is new every morning.
My conversations should have been edifying and rejoicing and saturated with
gratitude. My daily anxiety should have been cast on Him who cares for me to
avoid the overwhelming fretting and lie-inhaling. On my knees, on the floor, on
my face, and before Him because He has never forsaken me.
Not everyone experiences anxiety in a similar manner or as a
result of the same conditions. It can be experienced in a variety of ways from
a variety of sources. For example, public speaking does not give me a lick of
anxiety and some people would rather go to prison than use a microphone. Moreover,
not everybody gets panic attacks. Yet sinners encounter an imperfect world here
on earth with unforeseen tragedy at every turn and choose to believe in lies,
which conjure up fear leading to anxiety. And we sinners have the choice to be
lame or not. We have the choice to throw ourselves into His loving arms or not.
Next time, I will try to not be lame. Next time, I will try to stop it before
it starts by seeking the Truth instead of believing in lies. Next time, I’ll
call on His Holy name. I pray next time you encounter someone in the middle of
a kamikaze binge pop quiz, you will call on God on his or her behalf. Don’t be
lame like me that time I didn’t call.
1
Peter 5:6-8 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He
may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He
cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil
prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
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