Last Sunday the sermon topic was on conflict. Conflict is always a reality for human society. Whenever you have a relationship or a community of relationships, there is always the potential for conflict.
There are several ways people typically deal with conflict:
1. Deny deny deny (i.e. pretend nothing is wrong)
2. Run away! (i.e. avoid the situation by any means possible)
3. The quiet boil (i.e. say nothing, just quietly simmer with resentment)
4. Take no prisoners (i.e. do whatever it takes to make sure your side "wins" in the conflict)
5. The viral epidemic (i.e. gossip; tell people about "your side," which ensures that more people get drawn in and "infected" by the conflict)
None of these are effective, because they don't deal with the root cause of conflict. Fortunately this is what God does for us in the Bible in the following manner.
Understanding conflict
James 4:1-3 shows us that conflict is a heart issue. It arises when desires become dictatorial lusts that rule over our lives. They become the idols of our hearts and guide us toward choices and actions that bring about conflict. We go from simply wanting something to then demanding that we have something and reacting in sin when we can't have that something.
Addressing and resolving conflict
1. Humble yourself/Examine yourself
James 4:7-8 shows us that we must first turn to God. Out of control desires bring conflict primarily not at the human-to-human level but at the God-to-human level. God alone should rule over our hearts; conflict shows that we have tried to dethrone him and put our desires on his rightful throne in our hearts. So we must humble ourselves, come before God, and admit our sin towards him. In so doing, God "will draw near" to us. This puts us in position to then examine our hearts, a process that Matthew 7:1-5 commends to us. This passage does not say that we should ignore what's going on in another person's life. We are to remove "the speck," but we must do so by first being keenly aware of our lives and our sin. Because from our perspective, as CJ Mahaney as rightly said, you are the worst sinner you personally know because only you know the dark things that reside in your own heart. In that sense, knowing only the inner life of your own self, there is rightly a "log" to address before removing "specks" from others' eyes. In this process you might rightly discover that the offense committed is one that is best quickly forgiven and overlooked (cf Prov 19:11, 12:16, 17:14).
However, it may be that the offense committed is significant enough that it cannot and should not be overlooked. Peacemaker Ministries offers the following helpful questions to determine if a particular offense is something that should not be overlooked and must be dealt with: 1. Is the offense seriously dishonoring God? 2. Has it permanently damaged a relationship? 3. Is it seriously hurting other people? 4. Is it seriously hurting the offender himself?
2) Confront
If an offense is serious and/or persisently ongoing, it must then be confronted. This is a divine obligation (see Matt 5:23-24, 18:15-17). This means going and talking directly the offender. Not doing this affects the worship and the long term spiritual health of a church body. Persistent unresolved sin is truly like a slow cancer that will eventually kill a church community.
3) Always aim, as much as is possible, for reconciliation
The Matthew verses show us that the goal of biblical confrontation should always be, as much as is possible, reconciliation and the restoration of the offender into the church community. This means then that while biblical confrontation must involve speaking truth, even hard truths, it should be done in the soil of grace, wisdom, and above all love. (cf Gal 6:1)
Some more practical tips from Peacemaker Ministries on how to do this:
1. Pray for humility and wisdom.
2. Plan your words carefully
3. Choose the right time and place
4. Assume the best about the other person until you have facts to prove otherwise (Prov 11:27)
5. Listen carefully
6. Speak only to build others up
7. Ask for feedback from the other person
8. Recognize your limits - remember that ONLY God can change people
Now sometimes, sadly, the other person with whom you are interacting does not respond and is unwilling to take the necessary steps towards reconciliation. In such cases it could then be necessary to bring other people in to help (see Matt 18:16). Ultimately, it may be that the other person never takes the steps necessary to bring about reconciliation. This however should not be the end of things for you. To again quote Peacemaker Ministries, "The Christian should never close the Bible." We should continue to seek biblical insight, guidance and counsel about the situation. And we should always be in position to extend grace and forgiveness toward the person once they are willing to take the necessary steps and so complete the process of reconciliation and restoration. Ultimately, we must trust God and leave all situations like this in his hands.
Avoding conflict - how we should instead relate to each other
Galatians 5:13-15 and Ephesians 4:16 show us how our relationships should look like; they should be characterized by love of neighbor, humility and gentleness, and an eagerness to maintain unity. Colossians 3:12-14 and Ephesians 4:31-32 show us that the real key to rightly relating to one another is found in the gospel. If we are to forgive others and thus maintain unity, it will happen to the degee in which we understand how we've been forgiven by the Lord. The gospel shapes how we can rightly deal with conflict and also how we can avoid pointless gospel. I especially appreciated CJ Mahaney's words in "The Cross Centered Life." Towards the end of the book he reminds us that "because of sin relational conflict is inevitable. You'll sin against others. They'll sin against you." The gospel however helps in that "when I become bitter or unforgiving toward others, I'm assuming that sins of others are more serious than my sins against God. The cross transforms my perspective. Through the cross I realize that no sin committed against me will ever be as serious as the innumerable sins I've committed against God. When we understand how much God has forgiven us, it's not difficult to forgive others. God's been patient with me so I can be patient with others. God has forgiven me so I can forgive others. God's grace is changing me so I can trust that he can also change others."
So, what are your thoughts on this topic? Here are some potential starter questions: Why do you think people, including many Christians, have so much unresolved conflict in their lifes and often seem unwilling to address it in the right biblical way? Why do you think people are afraid of biblical confrontation or quickly reject it when it's done towards them? How can we encourage a church environment where biblical confrontation is normal and welcome? And how can we can we cultivate a church community known more for the unity among its members rather than conflict?
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